#because we moved too suddenly
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Uptown girl She’s been living In her white bread world As long as anyone with hot blood can And now she’s looking For a downtown man That’s what I am
original midi at https://bitmidi.com/uploads/107345.mid
#not art#gabe’s musings#i love my boyfriend!!!!#i give him big kissy on his lips!!!!!!!!#big sloppy kissy and then we cuddle in bed while reading fanfics#or watch Defunctland#or Izzyizz#and then we get ‘mrrrrp’ed at by charles#because we moved too suddenly
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literally OUTRAGEOUS that I'm getting THREE SEPARATE unskippable ads for a 1993 episode of unsolved mysteries on a PAID STREAMING SERVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#AND IT HAD MIDROLLS TOO#amazon prime moment (derogatory)#we literally only got it for the one month free trial because we moved#and we knew we were gonna have to order a bunch of stuff for the new place#its paid off for that so well that we talked abt keeping it for another month after#but its so dogshit as a streaming service its not even worth it#it should literally be illegal to run ads in a series thats more than ten years old#like youve done it. you made millions off it already. you dont get to KEEP MAKING MONEY for eternity!!#unsolved mysteries specifically is for running in the background while you doze on the sofa#do u know how jarring it is to have an ad suddenly blasting through your headphones at 1am???#im frickin grumpy man#molly speaks#enshittification
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*downs coffee like a shot* Before we go back to our regularly scheduled Linktober/Linktober Shadow (because I don't leave things unfinished if I can help it), I gotta get the idea of Revenant First out of my system and y'all get to suffer with me until it eventually ceases being an idea and it turns into an actual story. For some reason we talk a lot about First already being alive or already a ghost by the time the Chain meets him, but I don't think I've ever heard someone talk about him actually coming back to life and so y'all get to suffer with my insane ramblings like I'm an 1800's psychic ward patient who believes themselves to be a witch.
Can be x Reader or not idk just an idea that won't leave my mind.
Might expand on this later so Part out of I/?
Revenant First, who died for his people and in the name of his Goddess. All alone on the surface, fighting, fighting, fighting, always fighting. Just to make the land a little safer before the next hero arrives, just to contain the Imprisoned for a little while longer with likely nothing than a ordinary, common sword to his name and a slowly rusting armor.
Always giving so so so much for his people, always doing his best to protect them, though they scorned him, loathed him, didn't believe or support him, rejected him.
With a spirit so strong and lovely that a Goddess fell for him, hated herself for having to manipulate and put him through such horrid experiences just to save the many, just to turn the diamond of his soul into an unbreakable lonsdaleite blade agaisnt a mad deity.
Someone whose will would be enough to keep him going, just one more fight right? Just one more kill right? Forward, forward, ever onward, it doesn't matter if the flesh decays, if the blood drips drips drips until he is dry of it, if the liver doesn't process nutrients, if the lungs don't draw air, if the nerves feel nothing but the cold cold numbness of the winter of his final years, if the heart doesn't beat. If the armor rusts or the sword breaks. He must keep going, he must keep fighting.
To keep them safe he must have faith, faith that he can keep going, to grasp onto that one.single.thread of purpose until the day that fiery, indomitable, determined will finally burns out. Even if his Goddess may have forsaken him knowingly or unknowingly, even if his people have rejected him to the point he isn't even human anymore, even though they reviled him, even if that rejection should by all intents and purposes chained his spirit to the land or ground the jewel of his unbreakable soul into dust, he still loves them, still adores them, still wants to protect them.
No matter how long he must keep going for it. He wishes to see those he holds dear happy, though they cursed and imprisoned him once.
The Chain getting dropped into a completely empty, desolated and undeniably dead version of Sky's Hyrule, only to find the only living thing besides monster is a single man, with rusted gold armor and an old sword, a faded tunic of green with a long, crimson scarf like a bloody banner. With hair and eyes like theirs, undeniably a Link. But so very frigid, so very silent they almost didn't notice him, that they can't help but wonder just how many years he has spent there, eroding away, ruined but still kind, kind, so very gentle. A shadow of his former self, yes, but still himself, still so so so good, doing all he can until Sky's Era comes and maybe, just maybe, he can finally rest.
Or maybe not, after all, someone has to keep the land safe until the Hero after Sky comes around, no?
Just Revenant First in general.
Or maybe we give him the House in Fata Morgana treatment, the House in Fata Hylia Au if you will- *collapses from sleep deprivation*
#linked universe headcanons#lu first#lu fic idea#Revenant First#lu first x reader#maybe? it's mostly just an idea lol#might expand on this later lol#Also knows as what happens when Summer is sleep deprived while doing essays takes a break by listening to The House in Fata Morgana OST#and suddenly gets First in the brain lol#still have way too much First Hero on the brain that man deserves the world but at the same time I want to put him into Situations lol#Feral Revenant First being protective of the Chain my beloved#Sky being so confused because Fi at the same time recognizes the man and has just started lowkey crying and screaming in chimes#Twi Wind Hyrule and Time not knowing wether to be morbidly intrigued or horrified because he registers as both dead and alive to them#Meanwhile First is just chilling#doing his own thing and probably bonding with Wild over 'Being Dead but Got Better'#Probably doesn't even register he shouldn't be moving anymore after taking a stab to the heart or something lol#if we want to make an X Reader kind of thing then it's literally his love for Reader which also allows him to keep going#alongside sheer force of will and determination#Michel and Giselle vibes ya know? lol#Wait would that make Hylia Morgana? Or could it be Demise or something? Eh#I dunno might expand on that later/write out that Au later on as a self indulgent thing#Anyway for now ya'll get this until I am finally not swamped with literature/language essays and fistfighting sleep deprivation#Summer Writes#Summer Writes Linked Universe Headcanons#Summer's Sleep Deprived Headcanons
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nothing sad but i need to bitch and im tired and need to frow up
#someone's eating mcdonalds on the train. oh the guy next to me actually. i really am gonna throw up#anyway killing god for not giving me perfect pitch ig we're just doing some pathetic sight reading today#then again its not like the third lady is much more than pretty much just a continuous bass line but there are Words too and quite Fast#and idk why im so nervous about Not Being 100% prepared if none of these people ever do their fuckin job.#and i love the third lady more than anything but i do think its a bit of a dick move to make me learn the entire second lady part last time#when i literally begged for the third one. and NOW to be like 'you're doing third lady btw. oh and the queen of the night too btw'#and god i WISH it was because of my incredible primadonna assoluta skills and amazing vocal range lmao#but its just because those other teletubbies cannot be fucking trusted to learn their shit :)))))#the first lady is just. the melody obv so its hard to fuck that one up. and the second is the least important lets be honest#why im suddenly jumping to the queen in the finale is beyond me tho and like sure its nice to finally be allowed to sing a soprano part 🤡#but its so stupid. there's zero consideration for our voice types really. also im tired of doing everyone's job#'oh our zerlina didnt learn her part can you cover for her. oh the soprano is sick but we have a spare mezzo#so can you do norma instead of adalgisa today? yes i know you never sang it before. can you cover the cenerentola too next week?'#DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING HORSE#and most of all. do i SOUND like im a good fit for ANY of these roles really? 'oh you know idk what they're telling you but to me it sounds#like you're a beautiful lyric coloratura mezzosoprano' NO SUCH THING BUT THANK YOU.#'you're not a mediocre lyric soprano you're a magical unicorn that shits rainbows' this is what you sound like.#its not about my skills its about me knowing all this shit by heart and being willing to be used ig and it's just. god.#im not even getting paid for this 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡
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I have this feeling that I have unofficial beef with my neighbor...
#text#okay so if you wanna know:#this old lady above our apartment didn't like me even before I moved in#when she first met me we had some guys over who uninstalled and took away the old kitchen cause we were getting a new one#and she instantly tried to file some sort of complaint that it was apparently against the house rules to put spacious furniture into the#elevator without some sort of cover because the elevator could get scratches or something but get this#there was nothing in the house rules that said this. my dad even asked the ppl in charge of the house rules and they confirmed that#pretty weird isn't it? well haven't seen each other too often so I had the fortune of not having to put up with her... until 2 days ago#I just did my laundry and wanted to put it up on the communal drying rack in the basement#you also have to know that the neighbors to the right of us smoke weed. A LOT. I don't rly care you do you but they seem to smoke 24/7#So much their entire apartment reeks of weed and they actually open their apartment door for like 1 hour in the evening to air#and of course our entire floor smells. so I get into the elevator and wanted to press the button for the basement floor but I notice it#suddenly goes up. and I'm just like okay fine.... until I run into the weird old lady and we stare at each other awkwardly#and I'm like “well... you need to go up or down...?” and she's like “I need to go down but I don't wanna get into the elevator with you..”#(get ready for what she says next) “... because your laundry smells” and you should have seen my confusion. I was so damn close to saying#“you think I put WEED into my laundry?? are you sure???” but I didn't say anything and just went well okay then not ig#So I go to the basement and put up my laundry a little bewildered but still mostly amused go back up and sleep over it#Well today I returned from college and went down to collect the laundry when I found a little piece of paper hung right next to it that said#“when you leave the washroom turn of the lights” but I swear to god I put out the light I'm 100% sure. And like she also knew I was down#there cause I was in the elevator and like why would someone put in all this effort to print out a piece of paper instead of just turning#the lights off themselves??? Idk maybe I rly did leave the lights on and this is a weird paranoia I'm having#but I can't shake of the feeling that it was her and she's trying to beef with me rly hard. idk old ppl are so weird man...
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"I wish I knew how to quit you" is exactly what it is. idk what it is but it is exactly what it is
#i suddenly remembered i can edit text#brokeback mountain#i thoughf alot about love and all. like its not about how deep the bond is right i used to think it was i have quite deep bonds with my#friends but its clearly friendship#since gender is out of the question i was asking what exactly is romantic love and idk it seems random#i have seen couples who have known eachother so less but ig they enjoy eachothers company so much?#its perplexing and doesn't make sense to me#i have too many people i would die for so its weird choosing one special guy i would die for in an extra special way#like just thinking about it even#because i am understanding people i like don't like me back and thats okay we move on. i will forget everything real soon.#as in its never balanced. i am way too dependent OR im too detached i am in hell of my own making#ok done 😗
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#really randomly fell down a weird rabbit hole today#i was watching the X-Files and finally felt like reading up on david duchovny#like i see u fellow slav what kind of slav are you#so i opened up his wikipedia article and saw that his dad was jewish and from ukraine and went like AHA WE ARE THE SAME#and just out of curiosity looked up the place he's from because im curious about jewish shtetls in the ukraine#because my whole family except my biological father is from several of them and i thought hey maybe they were neighbors#which they fucking are omg theyre just 20km apart#my greatgreatgrandma is from makhnivka which i even found articles and history about and how the jewish population grew & declined#even though i did not find any steinbergs in the archives#anyway when i read up on Berdychiv where duchovnys family is from it said#early settlement by the Chernyakhov Culture#which was an archeological culture between 200 and 500 CE existing at the same time as the roman empire#....... is this how i finally find out where my name is from??????? like?????????#i wish i knew so much more than i do#like i only found out that im not russian i was just born in russia like 7 years ago or so??? because my mom never tells me anything#all the information about my great great grandparents and where theyre from is from my grandma#and her dementia is really bad now and shes just angry and screams and calls people names#my russian is too bad to properly read up on stuff like that and theres barely anything in english or german#i just want to know idk#but genetic testing is too expensive and also very america centric and the only family i have in the us is super conservative#i had to block them on facebook when my grandma made me write to them once over 10 years agl#and i know a huge chunk of my grandmas family moved to israel too so i dont want anything to do with that either#although id be curious if it would actually find my half siblings i found out about also like 8 years ago#i just wish there were more archives and more people i could talk to about this#on my grandfathers side theres nothing really left#my grandfather passed suddenly and apparently before he did he took ALL THE FAMILY PHOTOS AND DOCUMENTS somewhere to maybe digitalise them#but we dont know where so theyre literally gone for ever#but his whole family was from kiev and is apparently named after this culture era#his dad was a higher up at a sugar factory and i still cant find anything#my grandma had so many cousins and they were so interconnected and knew so much and i literally just have my mom and no one else
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playing with circles O●°○•°o.
#trypophobia#i want to draw again so bad#i feel like my brain is too full of gunk and the only way to clean it is by drawing and i just don't have the time#i did this at work when it was slow#i'm in the process of moving right now. it'll be my first time living alone#i'm finally getting my adhd medicated after getting diagnosed in january#my life is so different year to year it honestly is dizzying#at this time last year my current roommate and i were looking for an apartment#at this time two years ago i had been at my second job ever for three months and i didn't have a car#and my mom had to drive with me to and from work because the van had been totaled and we only had the one car for the four of us#at this time three years ago i had just graduated and was a month into my first ever job. didn't even know how to drive#i thought i was so behind in life and that i was gonna be stuck like that eternally#now... god i don't even know. i'm trying to be positive#this is gonna be my solo chapter. my zuko alone episode. my walden pond.#but really i'm just so scared all the time and i have no choice but to keep treading water forever#i feel like all through childhood everything stays the same. nothing prepared me for living through constant change#entering my mid twenties i'm learning that. yeah you can't predict everything you can't prepare for everything#you can't keep anything and you can't change anything#but you can hold it in your hands. you can choose to live it. you can choose to be there#i hope once i get settled at my new place i'll suddenly find time to do everything#i hope the meds help me with that. i just want to draw again. i just want to feel alive again
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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i dreamed that i accidentally pulled a caterpillar out of its freshly made cocoon so it was mostly intact at first but then its skin started sloughing off and it lost shape and then reformed and lost shape and split in two and reformed and melted again....
#tütensuppe#it was so horrifying in a strange way i forced myself to wake up#the rest of the dream was regular stuff.#i was working out a plan w someone to deal with organized crime (???)#and we would move back and forth between two specific locations for planning#large buildings with tall windows.#eventually there was someone i though was suspicious so we moved away#and walked through some kind of market#i stopped to talk to someone at a stand because i thought they were familiar.#when i turned around the others were gone. and then i was suddenly covered in living blue butterflies#in the dream it was like. a trend. to breed butterflies and then wear them and kill them after (???)#so these showed up out of nowhere and of course i didnt want to kill them.#so i went to one of the large buildings to a deserted floor and tried to get them out the window#the window opening was high up and only too late i realized i threw the butterflies directly into a spiderweb..#and when i stepped back the caterpillar was there.
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long winded rant in the tags coming that’s partly about weight but in a very unfiltered sad way so if that triggers you do Not read on
#on holiday I was like oHHHHH this is what living in the moment is! What listening to your body is! what not worrying about how you look is#but doing what makes you happy#and then …… I came home and got sent the pictures#+ my friend being. unintentionally fatphobic as fuck#while hurtful as fuck too#and it’s all just been piling up too since I got home because I’ve been having a lot of conversations and seeing a lot of people that#confront me with who I used to be and who I am now and how I’m really not happy with that#and it feels like it’s not gonna get better#like I’m destined to be in a job I like but isn’t what I want because I’m not capable enough and I’ll never know what romantic requited love#feels like. I’ll never cure my vaginismus I’ll never be able to let someone in or they won’t want me this is just it for me#and SOMEHOW the way I look has become the ultimate culmination of all those things?#my face is suddenly a woman in her thirties face#I keep gaining weight despite not even eating all that much because FUCKING PCOS makes it impossible#my hair in my face grew back. my stomach is hairy and that plus the added beer belly just makes it look like I’m a 50 year old man#I am soooooooo tired of the dysphoria#and the way pcos ruins fucking everything because I can restrict calories all I want and move all I want but will it help ? No !#and of the fact that it impacts the way I feel about myself so much because I’m convinced now I’ll never find anyone#should have tried harder when I was 21 because that was the only time in my life I reasonably fit society’s standards like That was my shot#I’ve been taking supplements everyone says will help but I’m not sure I noticed anything in the past six months and I can’t take berberine#because it fucks with my heart medication. which. That too. I have that too#and I’m in pain! All the time now! ALL THE TIME so I can’t even work out to keep the weight stable because guess what ?#just after a normal day at the office I come home and have to lie down because everhthing hurts so much !#today I got an impromptu massage in an attempt to feel better but it didn’t fix shit and I had to buy clothes for kings day after#and I didn’t try them on just quickly grabbed some orange shit to try on at home and at what I saw in the mirror I genuinely got nauseous#I just don’t know who that is in the mirror but it’s not me and I can’t accept it. I’ve been trying so hard but I can’t#it genuinely makes me so sad and I keep telling myself that a reduction will help in feeling more like myself and it will help with the pain#but what if it doesn’t? what if my pain doesn’t go away after af all and my stomach just juts out and I feel like a gremlin all the time#what then. what the fuck do we do then. also I’m so fucking scared of that surgery anyway that I don’t fucking want to do it anymore#I want so many things and all of them feel out of reach and I know my own brain is my worst enemy and it’s not rooted in anything real but.#Isn’t it? really — isn’t it???????
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#the genre of posts that's like 'stop being so demanding about people pronouncing foreign names our mouths can't move like that' is just so.#like i'm sorry but this is not a real problem#it truly is not a real problem that people are too mean about wanting their names pronounced correctly#as if that's been a demand forever and not something that's just becoming more of a thing as of the last few years#the default for decades has been putting up w anglicization even when we didn't want it or it butchered our languages#because that's easier and how dare we ask people to put in the effort#so now that people are pushing back and being like no this is how my name is pronounced we end up being told we're demanding#and we're all just assholes looking for ways to be mean to the poor english speakers who can't say them right#we can tell when you're trying and we can tell when you're not and the idea that the former is more common is literally ridiculous#the most regular occurrence for me is people pronouncing my name correctly at first and then suddenly anglicizing it for no reason#they have demonstrated that they can say it correctly. they just choose not to.#that is the default#not to mention poc not being able to pronounce english words correctly or not knowing how to pronounce them get way more shit lol#idk like i am never trying to be mean#i have so much respect for the people who try because most people do not#and it is so endlessly frustrating to see this framed as us being assholes when we're simply tired of putting up with this#sorry i saw a post that made me mad lol#delete later
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i did not sleep yay for me im still on my fuckshit but when i think of cc maria ( by extension also nosy maria but specifically noting the isolation aspect of cc );
can you imagine one day skimming the paper. its been a few weeks since all the commotion knowing your friends' had attempted to come find you but then were chased off. never actually heard or saw any of them, but you know they were around.
but you've been moved from the cells to a mattress upstairs. you're given more freedom, more wiggle room, you're allowed to do things - little hobby-type activities - you're given better foods, you're looked after by the older woman at the other house. the man who took you, who terrifies you still to some degree, slowly doesn't feel like such a stranger anymore, you're right to still be cautious around him but as the days, the weeks, pass by, there's simply a different air about him, and in the shack. lighter, in a sense.
you find yourself growing used to the new daily - the new routine. of waking to the sound of him getting ready for the day, of being left alone in there for hours sometimes, others trailing after him like a duckling, around the older womans' property, helping with an array of tasks. and you worry about upsetting her at first, unsure if doing so will earn a knife to the throat. you listen, you do as you're told, you find some kind of way to co-exist - all the while still, in the back of your mind, there's still a ray of hope,
that maybe, maybe, since the rest of them got away - that they're merely licking their wounds, that they'll get word out and even with all the silence since they had been on the property, there's that shred of hope that maybe? someone will waltz in, guns blazing so to speak, and you'll get out of this hell finally.
that is, until that day - that you're skimming through the paper, and you recognize yourself in a little column - and you realize you're staring at your own fucking obituary.
and in that moment everything seems solidified.
you're never getting away.
there's no point in it.
there's no one out there who are still trying to find you, get you back, bring you home, back to your mothers' arms, back to being an older sister, back to the circle of friends you loved so dearly.
you're dead.
not just to the world, but to those you loved - those who claimed to have loved you, too.
what else do you have at that point? where else do you go, even if you still tried to leave? who wouldn't look at you sideways for the blood that's already stained your hands? for the flesh caught between teeth?
who else is there, except the one murmuring encouragement and praise in your ear?
the only constant you've had in all these weeks? whose words rang true - clearly - that no one cared? that they abandoned you? left you there, didn't even care to make sure you were alive or not? only thought of themselves and got the fuck outta there without confirming if you were even still alive.
#for cc maria its just. theres literally no one else. the only constant has been johnny. hes the one who was there with her when the#broadcasts sounded off her searches being called off. the only one who ensured she ate - was clothed - was looked after when she fell ill.#who she could talk to. who in spite of all her escape attempts & all her attempts at trying to kill him kept her around - taught her how to#do things properly - protected her from others that'd be brought down below shack. honestly. her isolation in cc - only having any sort of#connection being with johnny for *months* before he trusted her enough to let her join him for longer periods - like its. complicated.#*so* fucking complicated. youre seen as dead to literally everyone else in existence - *except for him*. he who sees you. who hears you.#you speaks with you. looks after you. its hard not to find yourself becoming attached/devoted. to the only person who knows you still exist#like i mentioned for nosy its. theres lee there too now so its. a little different. it doesnt hit right away - the almost blind devotion.#but it still happens - over time - with the both of them. the last two people who for a time at least know you were even still living.#and its by the time ch2 rolls in for either cc/nosy its just. its so confusing to her. why they all bother returning then?#for cc its just. you all buried me in an empty box twenty years ago...you all moved on then. you accepted that. so why are you here now.#why are you re-opening wounds that shouldve been long buried - with that empty casket. why suddenly care now?#in nosy she suppresses it with her bitterness but cc i feel it comes out more like... grief & hurt. all over again. because if you came bac#20 yrs after the fact? then why DIDNT you return back then? why *now* and not then?#[ mf ] ── * 𝐇𝐂 / 𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐄. { maria. }#[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { cold case. }#[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { no one saved you. }#[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { we saved us. }
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Is there something Going On universe-energy wise right now (/the whole last week)? Because goddamn things have sucked lately for many of the queer people in my life. Not even in a queerphobia way! Just other stressful life stuff!!
#personal#vague#not-too-specific explanations in tags#i was just about losing my mind (bad) over this cat because I didn’t realize how often he needed to play#and he didn’t have a scratch post for the first week#one of my friends is going through a hard slow relationship thing and idk how it’ll turn out#last weekend both of my siblings were upset with my mom (for valid reasons. and i asked about it)#one of my other friends. i learned recently. is needing to suddenly move because of safety concerns at her current building#(who also lives with the people we do double date night with. one of whom is one of n’s closest friends)#apparently Safety Issues and Shitty Apartment have been going on for a short but intense time for all 3 of them#just now learning that my best friend’s other best friend is going through Big Health things#also i have a new coworker who just Left like 2 times today. she tried to talk to me about it and i should have said i’m not a manager. idk#i feel like she won’t be here long but in the meantime it’s another slightly stressful thing
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ignore this i just wanna ramble in the tags for a sec i’ll probably delete it in a bit 🤪
#did an escape room with the fam on my sister’s birthday two days ago and my brother made me feel stupid the entire time#wouldn’t listen to me wouldn’t share or let me help and then act like i wasn’t helping (??? let me then)#and because he’s Loud my whole family was following his lead and ignoring me#but in the end i was the reason we won bc i was the only one who immediately understood the word riddles AND the one who wrote down#all the numbers he said we wouldn’t need. i was the only one who could connect the past information with the current problem#the only one who listened fully to the cd and decided to write down the locations without it being relevant yet#the only one who thought the tiny details might be relevant and the only one who automatically fixed his mistakes bc i noticed a pattern#and in the end still got no credit for anything (except from my mom) even tho if they had listened to me from the beginning they would’ve#been less stressed and finished sooner#then at the restaurant he didn’t listen to me again and we ordered too much even tho i told him we wouldn’t need it#THEN after dinner my grandma started texting me all frustrated telling me i need to keep my aunt updated on what’s happening thru the day#so she doesn’t feel left out. bc she’s having a rough time lately. bc it’s my job to make everyone feel better#FIRST of all this woman ignored me for years when her ex husband decided i wasn’t worth it#and now suddenly it’s my job to keep u informed on my every move so u don’t feel left out?? text me urself. ask what i’m doing.#ask HOW i’m doing??? do u even care beyond a ‘what colour is your sturdiness today namaste’#every time my aunt complains about the tiniest thing and starts crying about it it my grandma blames everyone else#no one even knows or cares if i’m having a rough time#she came to ‘help’ when my mom was sick and i did everything for her instead. and then she threw a fit when i wouldn’t eat her salad#when i was too exhausted from staying up all night with my mother to go on a run with her the next day#my mom finally got mad at her for implying i’m lazy all the time and told her i’m ‘neurodiverse’ and do things my own way and she didn’t#even know what that meant so my mom was like ‘on the spectrum ‘ and my aunt just got mad that she had never told her#would it have made a difference at all? would u have expected different from me?#meanwhile i’ve done so much for my cousin… including taking care of luca the entire time she stayed with us. i had him all the time#i didn’t mind. i love that kid more than anything. but everyone expects everything from me like it’s just a given#i talked her through every problem every breakdown walked on eggshells to keep her happy and then what does she do when she leaves?#ignores me. doesn’t come back when she said she would. complains that i don’t include her in things#bc sometimes i have quiet conversations with my sister so i don’t bother everyone#and then gg wants to know why i won’t come see her? why i won’t drop everything to fly there? my aunt wants to know why i don’t call?#because despite loving me u have made me feel inadequate my whole life. some of u more than others#and i’m tired. and it’s time for me to Be me For me without justifying it to everyone else.
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#try to have one good day challenge: impossible#i was in the best mood ive had for weeks and then one single thing happens and its the worst ive felt in a long time#like actual heartache#and i was actually motivated to do art tomorrow too..#i think im finally just resigned completely to it now#im sorry guys im just trying so hard not to be a bummer but.. i just. i cant#i hate venting i hate it because i cant really do anything else#edit: man i have to get checked for mood swings bc this shit sucks. catastrophize for like 20 minutes and then suddenly no emotions#and then everything is fine again#it might be because i just delete the memory of whatever makes me upset and then move on 😭 lol yesss we love healthy coping
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